LOVE IN MY HEART

When I use to look in the mirror I would see this woman who did not love herself and wanted to be the perfect everything to everyone. She would often act as a superhero saving all those who screamed for a prayer or advice while she enabled them to solely depend on her. She was ignorant to the fact she was trying to be someones savior and her own god but had the inability to save herself. She believed if she pretended to act inhuman she would be invincible to the pangs of heartache so she took on a robotic exterior . Dominating her way to the top only to find herself alone and wondering why every guy wanted to hit but not commit and lead her astray just to say they were not interested in what she had to offer. She was puzzled not having a clue why this pattern followed her like a shadow. This woman had no idea that she was "the perfect imperfection" waiting to be accepted for the authentic her. She modified herself for her friends approval, for a man's approval and for the world's acceptance. It was not meant for her to conform but it was meant for her to break the mold and defy the odds by being true to herself.  In essence this woman is me and I never was happy until I started to live life on my own terms by being who I was "the imperfect" me. I begin to work on the authentic me. The biggest injustice I did to myself was allowing others to tell me what I should be and giving them control to control me. I would often let my friends tell me what was best for me when they had no clue what was really best for me. I was passive letting people boss me around without speaking up for myself. However, in 2011 a revolution began when I got out of my last relationship and realized how I changed myself for a man who never really wanted me. It hurt me to know my pattern with men had not changed. I needed a wake up call and so in April 2011 I began to go on a soul searching journey. In my year of soul searching I realized the issues I had and the baggage that I was carrying needed to be handled.  The one thing I realized is I was acting perfect for people who never really cared about me. I came to understand the perfect person I was trying to be was nonexistent. I had myself on a high pedestal thinking I had to do everything perfect so I would not fail. When friendships failed, relationships failed and everything else failed I would blame myself harshly. But now I realize I am perfect, I am the perfect imperfection. My flaws is what make me human, beautiful and realistic. I can be myself without restraints and if people judge me it doesn't matter because opinions are not perfect but someones shallow idea of what they believe is the truth about me. I am no longer suffering for the acceptance of others. I have allowed myself to make room for failure. If things fail in my life I understand I have another chance to get it right. I do not have to live up to others expectations of me because I am going to be the woman God created me to be. I do not have to hide who I am just to be accepted. I am learning to understand rejection is not a bad thing it is actually a character building tool to help you understand that person or thing was not meant to be there...their season ended. I am learning to be happy with the perfect imperfect me. Whoever cannot accept me for who I am then I realized it is not up to me to convince them. I am okay with who "Stylicia" is in this point in my life...."The Perfect Imperfection".