LOVE IN MY HEART

"How could I let them go? How long should I hold on? They're my life, they're everything to me, I value them so much!"

It was a dream. I was wandering around the walls of a city walking on the concrete road bare feet and in pajamas. It was odd that there was nobody living in there, no sound of human interactions just the chilly winds pushing and pulling the sturdy trees. I hugged myself and struggled for warmth for the atmosphere grew awfully cold. There were no lights except for rusty old lamp posts along the alley. The panorama was engulfed in thick gray-dull and dead. The blue skies were gray and dark as if brewing a storm. The green grass and the rainbow painted flowers were as dark as the skies as if these living things were robbed of all the bright, joyful shades. There were buildings but no residents. there were houses but no homes.

I went pass a dark and narrow alley called 'memory lane' and below its sign says: 'he who's brave enough to face truth shall find answers'. Without second thoughts I decided to go in. The darkness of the alley as it narrows was like a bottomless abyss, preventing any light to escape its dreadful clutches. As I continued walking, I began to have an eerie feeling that the walls were somehow closing in on me. Desperate to find what's on the end and terrified by an eerie feeling, I ran in panic, gasping for air, struggling to keep my balance as I ran on the wet and slippery road.

A few moments later I paused for air. It seemed that the road was infinite and that I'm trapped in a middle of nowhere. That even if I keep on running, the road will somehow extend its length. I sat and cried. A few moments passed and the brick walls started to flash images.

Every time a person would ask me if I'm okay, I'd always say YES. Yes was always my answer to those people who find interest in taking a peek in my heart, that if I say that three letter word, they'd stop and leave me alone. When I saw the images of my friends that I lost I was crushed and devastated beyond words. I sat there wrapping my knees with my arms as my eyes failed to seize the tears from falling. My eyes were overflowing with tears and in every tear were words, letters expressing pain that as it hit the ground it would emit a sorrowful echo. If a person could think of word far more than crushed, devastated, ruined and destroyed, that would be me.

It came to me that pride somehow cloaked the true condition of my soul. As the memories unveil I saw the precious pieces of my heart drowning in a bucket of unbearable sorrow that it screamed for someone to pick it up and heal it. There were some pieces missing, pieces that were taken by those who left him alone, those who entered his door and swiftly left through his window. I cried and cried and cried.

My Almighty Dad came out of nowhere. He picked the pieces of my heart with his nail scarred hands, the same hands that wiped out my tears and cupped my cheeks. He stood up in front of me, carried me then hugged me. He asked me to let them go, to let all the bitterness and sorrow flow down the drain.

"How could I let them go? How long should I hold on? They're my life, they're everything to me, I value them so much!" I replied.

"I value my son too yet I gave Him up for your sake remember?" He said.

I was left without words to say only tears. A couple of silent minutes passed then I whispered: "They left with the pieces of my heart, how can I be whole again?"

He hugged me for the second time, only this hug was tighter and more intimate. His lips were right next to my ear and whispered: "Then let me fill the empty pieces with my love... I will be here when you feel like being quiet or when you need to speak your mind. When you need a shoulder to cry on, when you need a friend or a buddy, I will be here."

I looked back on the walls flashing the images of my friends. It was painful for me to let them go... really painful. I took a stone and smash it against the wall, seconds later the images fade. As the pictures vanished so did my bitterness. My Dad hugged me again, held my hands and left.

I know it was painful to let them go and living each day with that fact is even more painful yet I know God will never make me feel alone... No... NEVER.

It's when you feel alone and that nobody cares if you exist.

The sweet voices of the children I can hear, It was like an enormous swarm of bees heard and seen covering the entire place. The golden brown leaves falling from the trees, guided by the warm colors of the sun's spectrum somehow reminded me of how splendid my life was.

I sat beneath the grandiose oak tree where I once carved my dreams and happiness. The tree that witnessed every blissful moment I had, the sturdy monument that served as the library for my whole history now stands behind me singing songs I used to sing.

As I sit there I couldn't help but stare and watch those four foot tall angels giggling and running ,having fun to their heart's content. They were cracking and throwing jokes at each other, laughing like there's no tomorrow. I too have silly jokes and magical stories to tell, but how would I enjoy them when there's no one who'd sit and listen to me. I just sat there with a stick drawing faces on the dirt.

The innocent youngsters had roleplaying games. There were kings, queens, princes, princesses and warriors. The climbed the monkey bars and made a fortress, rode the seasaw and had unicorns. Me? I remained hushed in my seat kicking the leaves that piled up. I wasn't invited to their magical game but I can sure tell it's fun! Did you know that I have fascinating games too? Oh well, what would I do with these games when there's no one to play them with.

I stood up and went to sit by the swings to have my snack. I wanted to cry because no one would sit with me. There were many people around yet I don't know why somehow I felt lonely. I guess I'm just starting to miss the ones who used to played games with me.

As I sit alone waiting and praying for my playmates, I learned something: "It's not the number of people around you that determines your loneliness, it's your relationship to them."

What would you do with two hundred fifty strangers when all you need is four people?